Who is there in your Family?
Sunday, April 14, 2024
Well, all of it surely leaves me confused; actually bewildered!
At different stages in life, LIFE teaches us completely different and sometimes, even contradictory lessons.
This time, the confusion is over: Who ought to be included in our definition of Family? WHICH IS OUR REAL FAMILY? Do we get our Family only by birth?
STAGE 1:
At first, during our childhood that is, we were taught that our grandparents, parents, siblings, uncles, aunts, first and second cousins etc constituted our family. And we were also taught that family must stay together; stick together and it is therein, that one always gets unconditional love, bonding and support.
Aha!!!
But with the dwindling sizes of families, gone are the days when one had a dozen or two 1st cousins and countless far-flung relatives. The other day, I read in an article that the writer’s father had 140 first cousins!!! And today, the state is that my own niece has just one sibling and a total of two first cousins!
A large number of those who are in their 20s now, barely have a sibling or two to have fun with; perhaps just one or two cousins and some have neither and none!
If it is not an issue of size, then certain compulsions, incidents and experiences are making our inherited families shrink or even crumble…
One crisis; the first one crisis is sometimes enough to teach some the lesson that lessons earlier taught to us such as: family comes first or blood is thicker than water… need to be unlearned. For some of us, the first death and that too, if it is of a parent; or the first monetary crisis or the first severe sickness of a family member is enough to teach the lesson that the family one is born into, is not always the family that sticks or stays together, or offers unconditional support!!
STAGE 2
The first stage when uncles, aunts and cousins mean the world to us, sometimes lasts just till adolescence! Either there are just a few left who remain close-by, or they have disappointed or hurt us.
We begin to look outward. Knowingly or not, we begin to collect our chosen family, not bound by blood ties, but by genuine care and affection.
We observe that neighbors caremore and we begin to appreciate our bonds with them; we experience that many around us care more selflessly than our own relatives do; family-friends rush to our assistance in a crisis even as relatives debate amongst them as to who should help and how much! Friends seem a lot more trustworthy and better. We begin to invest heavily in our chosen family.
I felt I was blessed with a bonanza because in addition to a lovely set of parents and two siblings, my chosen family was large and equally lovely!
I was blessed to have gotten teachers who meant the world to me. Fortunate I was that, in my teachers, I found unparalleled love, friendship, support, motivation and guidance. They genuinely worked at my strengths and weaknesses and molded me as one would do one’s own! The experiences with relatives in the larger family that I was born into were bitter, but in the chosen family, the experiences were all mixed and largely very valuable!
This stage is beautiful, when we make our own family. Till date, I am proud of mine.
However, as years whiz past and seasons change, some of our precious ties, just like the once-green leaves, dry up, fall and get scattered by strong winds. As we grow old, teachers, family-friends, and neighbors grow older, and we lose them.
Whatever be the reason, distances weaken some friendships. Some dear friends marry and get busier in making their own newer families. Some settle far and wide in this globalized world and yes, despite all the technological breakthroughs, the bonds do not remain the same.
STAGE 3
For us--the expats, particularly those living in the Gulf/Middle East, there comes a STAGE 3 too!
We come to work here in the Gulf and we happen to live here for anywhere between ten to forty years and more sometimes. And we make new families here…
Here, neighbors are a family; friends are just like family; members of regional, cultural or professional associations to which we may belong are a family of sorts; for women who belong to a kitty-club, the fellow members are another family; we make friends in the garden where we go to walk daily and they too become closer to us than our own cousins or other relatives. And then, colleagues and other family-friends also become family. The parents of kids with whom our kids play, also become family!
Thus, comes in our lives, a brand-new set of family for us.
And true to the term, in the event of any emergency or crisis situation in Kuwait, these families of ours stand with us, at any and every time, and not the blood-related family which is far away.
We talk almost daily or and meet at least on weekends; we go for long drives or barbecues in chalets or make merry at picnic spots or frequently meet just to eat out on weekends.
My chosen family expanded here tremendously. Have become an Aunty to more than two dozen lovely nieces and nephews, in whose lives (with all their ups and downs) I am involved. Newly-wed brides are given a welcome here, by friends and neighbors, as families would or would not do in India. Even during the pandemic, our family here, never did let us miss our families there. It is with our family here, that we all unwind and unburden ourselves; seek solace and shoulders even as we share tears, smiles, achievements, failures, birthdays, festivals, anniversaries, milestones in the lives of our kids and even gossip about relatives in India.
It is on our family here, that we depend to drop us off at or pick up from airport; to take care of kids of each other for a while or for hours; and to help us with grocery, medicines, visits to a clinic etc or even to send cooked meals if a spouse is unwell. For me, personally, in addition to some wonderful neighbors, and large number of friends here, everyone at the indiansinkuwait.com too has been a big, and a very dear family in Kuwait!
Our bonds thicken here, over the years and all seems to be fine UNTIL…
UNTIL, a job is lost or kids have completed Class XII or old parents beckon to return or one gets a better job in any other country or when some decide to immigrate to Canada or Australia…
Once again, precious friends who were just like family, vanish physically from our lives and can be heard and seen only in the virtual world.
Even if we happen to settle in the same city in India, we may be unable to visit each other or have precious hours together as we do here…
STAGE 4
What will be Stage 4…???
Will we, in the 40s, 50s and 60s, and about to leave Kuwait in a few years or already leaving, get a new family in India?
After living here for decades, will we be able to connect again with our inherited family? Who and how many among parents & siblings; uncles & aunts, and cousins & friends are left… or will be accessible in India?
Or shall we get to choose and acquire a new family, yet again?
Am confused…
What do you say???
.............
s
Navniit Gandhi is an academic since 25+ years; a feature writer (300+ articles), and has authored 10 books.
Her 10th and most recently authored, published and launched book is titled: NOT MUCH IS AS IT SEEMS
Her write-ups can be read at
navniitspeaks.wordpress.com
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